Tesco Metro sucks

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 06 Sep 2006, 12:52

Every aspect of the experience of a consumer in a Tesco Metro sucks.

From the moment you walk in, you're plunged into a blast-chilled, hurried and choiceless environment which puts a sterile and bland spoiler on your wee bit lunchtime. It sucks.

At least the Co-Op has a sort of land-that-time-forgot charm - not so in the mini factory whose front end is your Tesco Metro. Did I mention they were cold and also that they sucked?

Stuff at normal temperature is cold. Stuff that should be cold is almost unholdable - like the milk. It's almost ice. Sandwiches are so cold they need to be left to warm up a bit else they'll hurt the teeth and gum.

Some brainiac - or probably just a pile of statistics about what sells - has/have come up with what's on sale in these stores. But the need for something from every department in a superstore makes for a very odd selection overall - like the tiny space used for organic (read "expensive") food which seems out of place somewhere that barely has elbow room, let alone more than one kind of apple.

Selling the stuff that sells, and placing the stores in the busiest places leads to the constant need to restock and supply the store - meaning that the act of buying a pint of milk now means fighting those enormous stock cages which either have cardboard on the way out or mineral water and beer (only one type) on the way in. That sucks for everyone - staff who have to dodge us and us who have to avoid getting squished along with our pinta as big trolley lumbers past. Along painfully narrow aisles.

Tesco Metro's aisles are painfully narrow, and very cold. This sucks. Any remote pleasure in shopping having been removed long ago, one is shunted through something akin to a Soviet-style "shop" (only one choice) but on capitalist-style amphetamine. You don't browse in a Tesco Metro.

Tesco's store designers must have decided that, because they put in several tills where harrassed staff rapidly grab your merchandise and nervously chant "doyouhaveatescoclubcard", there would be no, or very short, queues. Ah. Oops. Result is there's always either a blocked exit or aisle with shoppers crashing into each other or the poor constantly-restocking staff.

Tesco Metro is a vision of hell - a perpetually freezing, hurried and cramped limbo.

teddygirl · Post by **teddygirl** » 06 Sep 2006, 13:23

............................so, you won't be going there for your lunch again then ?

I've never been in one, I'm happy to say.

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 06 Sep 2006, 13:29

teddygirl wrote:............................so, you won't be going there for your lunch again then ?

I've never been in one, I'm happy to say.

Och you know me, I'm easy. And fickle.

You can tell people who have never been in one from their carefree, relaxed and sunny dispositions. The "others" carry bags marked "Tesco" and have slightly wild looks in their eyes.

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 06 Sep 2006, 14:20

Dadaist wrote:
teddygirl wrote:............................so, you won't be going there for your lunch again then ?

I've never been in one, I'm happy to say.
Och you know me, I'm easy. And fickle.

You can tell people who have never been in one from their carefree, relaxed and sunny dispositions. The "others" carry bags marked "Tesco" and have slightly wild looks in their eyes.

Hey, how are you doin? and congrats on the baby news.

If you had seen me today when I was walking back to the deli with an unmarked bag and a wild look in my eyes you may have jumped to the conclusion I had been to Tesco. I had in fact been to the deli, ordered two sandwiches, waited the statuatory 5 mins to be seen. I paid and was handed a brown bag. When I got back to work there were no sandwiches just a loaf of bread.

Did I get an apology?

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 06 Sep 2006, 14:35

In a holistic sense, they did at least provide you with the means to make your own sandwich.

So use your loaf.

that was bad even by my standards. sorry.

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 06 Sep 2006, 14:38

I took my loaf back as it wasn't really my loaf. The sandwiches were good btw.

teddygirl · Post by **teddygirl** » 06 Sep 2006, 14:46

.......and the moral of the story is, always have a keek in the bag first before you set off back to work.

Oh and just in case you thought I had never been in any sort of Tesco, I just meant I hadn't been in a Metro one. I actually quite like the Musselburgh store, not too big but still enough variety. I hate the really big ones.

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 06 Sep 2006, 14:52

teddygirl wrote:.......and the moral of the story is, always have a keek in the bag first before you set off back to work.

Dae ken whit that means round your bit, but where ahm fae thats pure ming. Thats like sayin hae a tolie in a bag like.

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 06 Sep 2006, 14:56

teddygirl wrote:.......and the moral of the story is, always have a keek in the bag first before you set off back to work.

I would prefer just to trust the server but I will follow your advice in future.

Except I will make it a peek rather than a keek. Don;t think they would have exchanged it for sandwiches if I'd had a keek.

bearcub · Post by **bearcub** » 06 Sep 2006, 14:58

teddygirl wrote:.......always have a keek in the bag first before you set off back to work.......

My initial read of that didn't bring a particularly pleasant image to mind!

Oh, and I agree...Tesco sucks.

teddygirl · Post by **teddygirl** » 06 Sep 2006, 15:18

I'm sure I don't know what you two are on about

Where I come from having a wee keek at something is a perfectly acceptable action and certainly not a motion.

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 06 Sep 2006, 17:38

When he was a kid, one of my friends' mums banned the song (and the singing of) "Brown Girl In The Ring" by Boney M because it contained the line "show me your motion".

Cleopas · Post by **Cleopas** » 06 Sep 2006, 22:23

At my primary we used the word "cackie" instead of "keek" for what you're on about. Either way, those words describe Tesco Metro exactly!!!

teddygirl · Post by **teddygirl** » 07 Sep 2006, 07:33

Go to dictionary.com and you will see that keek means peek and NOTHING ELSE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Men and their toilet humour

rathbone · Post by **rathbone** » 07 Sep 2006, 09:10

teddygirl wrote:Go to dictionary.com and you will see that keek means peek and NOTHING ELSE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Men and their toilet humour

Heaven help us .... even the on-line dictionaries are bowdlerised!

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 07 Sep 2006, 10:23

There used to be a stone building in Figgate Park just in fron of the houses at Mountcastle Bank. It may have been toilets?

There was a bit of graffiti that I saw when I was about 11 that I still clearly recall and it made me laugh. Someone had taken the trouble to write "Pee, Pump, Tolly, Fart, Keek". I'm smiling thinking about it now.

impossiblevoices · Post by **impossiblevoices** » 07 Sep 2006, 11:54

TESCO ROCKS!

well, at least their home delivery service does anyway...

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 07 Sep 2006, 12:04

Porty wrote:There used to be a stone building in Figgate Park just in fron of the houses at Mountcastle Bank. It may have been toilets?

There was a bit of graffiti that I saw when I was about 11 that I still clearly recall and it made me laugh. Someone had taken the trouble to write "Pee, Pump, Tolly, Fart, Keek". I'm smiling thinking about it now.

We've lifted the lid on toilet humour.

I can remember being in Primary 1 and making my friend Richard laugh by singing the theme tune to "Playschool" but substituting the words "jobby wee wee" for all the lyrics. I can still sing it.

Cleopas · Post by **Cleopas** » 07 Sep 2006, 12:13

Our singing teacher in Primary school, fondly remembered by the name of Crazy Mary ... had the boys in hysterics doing scales. She had us singing ... Sew-me-do-do!!!

That was enough to get us all going!

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 07 Sep 2006, 12:49

In Primary 4, my friend Justin and I were in hysterics over one of our spelling books. It had a sort of "fill in the blanks" bit that was supposed to say "this man is s_e_lling p_l_ants" and had a picture of a barrow of flowers - but I changed it to say "this man is s_me_lling p_ants" which made me laugh so much it hurt.

Cleopas · Post by **Cleopas** » 07 Sep 2006, 13:08

TG wrote;

Go to dictionary.com and you will see that keek means peek and NOTHING ELSE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Men and their toilet humour

Try this TG ...

http://www.playgroundlaw.com/perl/browse.pl?sid=3559

Poppy · Post by **Poppy** » 07 Sep 2006, 20:09

I've located my Scots Dictionary: keek, as TG so rightly said, means peek. And only peek. Actually, that's not true, but it does not mean excrement!

The word that you pottymouths are sniggering about

is not only pronounced differently with a softer 'k' sound, it is spelt differently - 'kich' or 'keeck'.

So there!!

teddygirl · Post by **teddygirl** » 07 Sep 2006, 21:08

Thanks Poppy, what are they like ? Pottymouths just about sums them up

Poppy · Post by **Poppy** » 07 Sep 2006, 21:35

teddygirl wrote:Thanks Poppy, what are they like ? Pottymouths just about sums them up

Ha! The word that really sums them up would not get past The Filter!! Heh heh!

Cleopas · Post by **Cleopas** » 07 Sep 2006, 22:28

You COULD have said Portymouths!!!

I repeat ...

http://www.playgroundlaw.com/perl/browse.pl?sid=3559

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 07 Sep 2006, 22:48

I saw the TV ad before I heard there was a Metro article - but has anyone seen Barbie's new pooping dog Tanner ?

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.ht ... _page_id=2

teddygirl · Post by **teddygirl** » 07 Sep 2006, 22:49

Cleopas wrote:You COULD have said Portymouths!!!

I repeat ...

http://www.playgroundlaw.com/perl/browse.pl?sid=3559

No keeks there that I could see

...............and I think potty(as in chantie) is much more appropriate

Cleopas · Post by **Cleopas** » 08 Sep 2006, 07:23

Dada Wrote;

I saw the TV ad before I heard there was a Metro article - but has anyone seen Barbie's new pooping dog Tanner ?

Okaaaaay!

Watched it. Howled like a loon while rolling over the now bare floorboards and am sufficiently recovered to ask Dada .... when the doggy poops, is it accompanied by a wee piddle and a rank smell?? Cos if not, it's hardly a proper replica, is it??

Mind you ... if my neice gets a doll that poops ... I'm heading for the factory to have a wee word with the design team ... with my ancestral assegai!!

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 08 Sep 2006, 09:00

It's the fact that the "doggy biscuits" and poops are the same thing.

If you put the doggy biscuit in the mouth, and it neatly rolls through and falls out of the doggy bottom when you pull up the tail - I'm wondering if a more realistic effect can be obtained by making brown play-dough (neo-dadaist has the primary colours, and mrs dadaist knows how to mix up brown) and stuffing it into Tanner's mouth until the dog is full - then surely pulling the tail mechanism will produce a more representative dropping for Barbie to have to deal with.

Cleopas · Post by **Cleopas** » 08 Sep 2006, 17:32

Dada ... you're a very, very sick individual!!!

No wonder I like you!!!

Sandra · Post by **Sandra** » 08 Sep 2006, 20:47

Dadaist wrote:At least the Co-Op has a sort of land-that-time-forgot charm

Sandra · Post by **Sandra** » 08 Sep 2006, 20:50

Dadaist wrote:
You don't browse in a Tesco Metro.

That's cos its meant to be a quick experience, don't linger. Just get your milk, bread, whatever and be quick about it.

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 08 Sep 2006, 22:15

Sandra wrote:
Dadaist wrote:
You don't browse in a Tesco Metro.

That's cos its meant to be a quick experience, don't linger. Just get your milk, bread, whatever and be quick about it.

This strategy, the Special Forces-style rapid deployment, dispersal and secure exit only works for items like milk which can be instantly recognized and grabbed as you sprint past.

Trying to decipher the multiple font sizes and colours on the less than ideal contrast of black-on-silver used on the "Finest" range of dinners is much more problematic, and can end up with invading shoppers getting bogged down in a conflict not of their choosing, against an enemy that uses hit and r

sorry wrong forum.

gilo · Post by **gilo** » 20 Apr 2007, 12:00

Dadaist wrote:Every aspect of the experience of a consumer in a Tesco Metro sucks.

Talk us through your choice of lunch

Epykat · Post by **Epykat** » 21 Apr 2007, 09:58

Dadaist wrote:In Primary 4, my friend Justin and I were in hysterics over one of our spelling books. It had a sort of "fill in the blanks" bit that was supposed to say "this man is s_e_lling p_l_ants" and had a picture of a barrow of flowers - but I changed it to say "this man is s_me_lling p_ants" which made me laugh so much it hurt.

Just refound this wee story on this thread. Not many things make me laugh out loud at this time in the morning

Come back Dada I miss you

Talk Porty ~ Portobello

Tesco Metro sucks

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