Buying a Bull
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
It is decided that the brunette will go looking for a bull to purchase
while the b! londe will stay home to run the ranch. Upon leaving, the
brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll
contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at a ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've
bought a bull! for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our
pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After! a
few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word
"comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
"comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde and the word is big. She'll
read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul.
Only Good Jokes Here!
-
Hell's Cat
- Posts: 143
- Joined: 21 Nov 2002, 09:34
- Location: Portobello
- Contact:
Only Good Jokes Here!
Only after the last tree has been cut down, only after the last river has been poisoned, only after the last fish has been caught, only then will you find, that money cannot be eaten.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy.
You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom.
"Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes my Queen?"
The Queen smiles, "Answer me this, please, Tony.
Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with Vice President Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It is not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!" Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
__________________________________
BB
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy.
You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom.
"Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes my Queen?"
The Queen smiles, "Answer me this, please, Tony.
Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with Vice President Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It is not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!" Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
__________________________________
BB
All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!
-Lucy Van Pelt (in Peanuts, by Charles M. Schulz)
-Lucy Van Pelt (in Peanuts, by Charles M. Schulz)
To hells cat,
I strongly disagree with your joke as folows the sterio type of blonds being stupid. Honestly I dont see what the difference between this and that Sottish people are drunk and are called "Jimmie" or that French people wear a string of garlick and say "oo lah lah", you wouldn't get away with it if it were against black people.
I think that this sort of joke should be banned and that it is just immature.
I strongly disagree with your joke as folows the sterio type of blonds being stupid. Honestly I dont see what the difference between this and that Sottish people are drunk and are called "Jimmie" or that French people wear a string of garlick and say "oo lah lah", you wouldn't get away with it if it were against black people.
I think that this sort of joke should be banned and that it is just immature.
so long and thanks for all the fish....
Are you blonde by any chance?Far Side wrote:To hells cat,
I strongly disagree with your joke as folows the sterio type of blonds being stupid. Honestly I dont see what the difference between this and that Sottish people are drunk and are called "Jimmie" or that French people wear a string of garlick and say "oo lah lah", you wouldn't get away with it if it were against black people.
I think that this sort of joke should be banned and that it is just immature.
-
Pal of Porty
- Posts: 2136
- Joined: 30 Sep 2004, 13:41
- Location: Old Folks Home
- Contact:
Thanks Far Side - I'm voting your joke as the best of them all!Far Side wrote:To hells cat,
I strongly disagree with your joke as folows the sterio type of blonds being stupid. Honestly I dont see what the difference between this and that Sottish people are drunk and are called "Jimmie" or that French people wear a string of garlick and say "oo lah lah", you wouldn't get away with it if it were against black people.
I think that this sort of joke should be banned and that it is just immature.
I would like to complain about "Far Side"'s avatar because it lampoons and ridicules scientists. The image of the stereotypical mad scientist drinking a potion is both outdated and false - and leads to a public misconception of their work. I don't see any difference in this blatant satire and a joke about any other group - minority or otherwise.
I have scientists in my family and feel that as long as we are portrayed in the manner that Far Side has chosen, we will feel shunned by greater society and the task of scientific integration will be made more diffcult. Scientists are human too, and Far Side's avatar portrays them as small dysmorphic crackpots - which anyone who has visited the average university Computer Science department will surely know is distinctly unfair.
I have scientists in my family and feel that as long as we are portrayed in the manner that Far Side has chosen, we will feel shunned by greater society and the task of scientific integration will be made more diffcult. Scientists are human too, and Far Side's avatar portrays them as small dysmorphic crackpots - which anyone who has visited the average university Computer Science department will surely know is distinctly unfair.
-
mr magnolia
- Posts: 972
- Joined: 11 Jul 2004, 22:07
- Location: close to the edge
- Contact:
-
mr magnolia
- Posts: 972
- Joined: 11 Jul 2004, 22:07
- Location: close to the edge
- Contact:
A farmer was herding his sheep on a remote property in Western New South Wales, when suddenly a brand-new BMW came out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, "If 1 tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Optus cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, be receives an email on his Palm pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says,
"You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, 1 guess you can take one of my sheep." says the farmer. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then the farmer says to the young man, "Hey, if 1 can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the farmer.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No
guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you know bugger all about my business.
.... Now give me back my dog."
The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, "If 1 tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Optus cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, be receives an email on his Palm pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says,
"You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, 1 guess you can take one of my sheep." says the farmer. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then the farmer says to the young man, "Hey, if 1 can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the farmer.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No
guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you know bugger all about my business.
.... Now give me back my dog."
.....ambition makes you look pretty ugly
-
Hell's Cat
- Posts: 143
- Joined: 21 Nov 2002, 09:34
- Location: Portobello
- Contact:
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them
back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were
rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering
blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other
of the wall screamed, "For **** sake, you ******, it's twenty to two
in the ****ing morning!!"
At least it didn't have a blond in it
back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were
rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering
blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other
of the wall screamed, "For **** sake, you ******, it's twenty to two
in the ****ing morning!!"
At least it didn't have a blond in it
Only after the last tree has been cut down, only after the last river has been poisoned, only after the last fish has been caught, only then will you find, that money cannot be eaten.
-
Hell's Cat
- Posts: 143
- Joined: 21 Nov 2002, 09:34
- Location: Portobello
- Contact:
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other
female friends, In addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma.
Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
"I don't like her."
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other
female friends, In addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma.
Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
"I don't like her."
Only after the last tree has been cut down, only after the last river has been poisoned, only after the last fish has been caught, only then will you find, that money cannot be eaten.
The master of quick wit and ready repartee is at the circus, sat in the front row.
Coco the clown comes on and does his turn - then gets to the audience interaction bit. Unfortunately and unbeknownst to Coco, he picks on the master of quick wit and ready repartee. Of all the people in the world capable of tossing his gags right back at him, he has picked the prime candidate.
The exchange goes as follows :
Coco : "say mister - are you the front end of an ass?"
master of quick wit and ready repartee : "no"
Coco : "well then - are you the rear end of an ass?"
master of quick wit and ready repartee : "no"
Coco : "so - you must be no end of an ass!!"
Much hilarity ensues amongst the audience, although the master of quick wit and ready repartee is decidedly unamused.
He stands up, looks around and then looks at Coco and says :
"**** off you red nosed ****"
Coco the clown comes on and does his turn - then gets to the audience interaction bit. Unfortunately and unbeknownst to Coco, he picks on the master of quick wit and ready repartee. Of all the people in the world capable of tossing his gags right back at him, he has picked the prime candidate.
The exchange goes as follows :
Coco : "say mister - are you the front end of an ass?"
master of quick wit and ready repartee : "no"
Coco : "well then - are you the rear end of an ass?"
master of quick wit and ready repartee : "no"
Coco : "so - you must be no end of an ass!!"
Much hilarity ensues amongst the audience, although the master of quick wit and ready repartee is decidedly unamused.
He stands up, looks around and then looks at Coco and says :
"**** off you red nosed ****"
-
Hell's Cat
- Posts: 143
- Joined: 21 Nov 2002, 09:34
- Location: Portobello
- Contact:
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
Only after the last tree has been cut down, only after the last river has been poisoned, only after the last fish has been caught, only then will you find, that money cannot be eaten.
Tech support please!
Author: Angel Delight
Date: 23-12-03 13:29
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0
system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other "valuable"
programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed "undesirable" programs
such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2, and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no
longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail.What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
********************************************************
Dear Desperate,
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment
package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the
command C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0
should then automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and
Flowers 7.5. But remember, over
use can cause Husband 1.0 to default
to such applications as Grumpy Silence 2..5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer
6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will
create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.
DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another
boyfriend program. These are not supported applications, and will
crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to
default to the program Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background
and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into
the Operating System.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might
considerbuying additional software to enhance his system
performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt
Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old standby...
Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Author: Angel Delight
Date: 23-12-03 13:29
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0
system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other "valuable"
programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed "undesirable" programs
such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2, and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no
longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail.What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
********************************************************
Dear Desperate,
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment
package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the
command C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0
should then automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and
Flowers 7.5. But remember, over
use can cause Husband 1.0 to default
to such applications as Grumpy Silence 2..5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer
6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will
create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.
DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another
boyfriend program. These are not supported applications, and will
crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to
default to the program Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background
and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into
the Operating System.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might
considerbuying additional software to enhance his system
performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt
Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old standby...
Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck, Tech Support
All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!
-Lucy Van Pelt (in Peanuts, by Charles M. Schulz)
-Lucy Van Pelt (in Peanuts, by Charles M. Schulz)
and the other one.........
Dear Helpdesk,
A friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off.
But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as: Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover that, when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to all his hardware.
Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000 plus GreatMealsOnTable (Guaranteed for a limited period).
But imagine my friend's disappointment on discovering Wife 1.0 can become unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Archive file and can not be deleted - they then resurface months (or years) later. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs Ultra STROP and WHINGE.zip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself.
The system footprint needs updating regularly, requiring Shoeshop Browser Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.
Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.
Any ideas
Dear Helpdesk,
A friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off.
But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as: Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover that, when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to all his hardware.
Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000 plus GreatMealsOnTable (Guaranteed for a limited period).
But imagine my friend's disappointment on discovering Wife 1.0 can become unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Archive file and can not be deleted - they then resurface months (or years) later. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs Ultra STROP and WHINGE.zip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself.
The system footprint needs updating regularly, requiring Shoeshop Browser Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.
Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.
Any ideas
Joke....Just
A big city, California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said. "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn." The farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
ok... ok... ill try and do better!!
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said. "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn." The farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
ok... ok... ill try and do better!!
Is Man The Dream Of The Dolphin??
A young boy went up to his father and asked, 'What is the difference between potentially' and 'realistically'?
The father pondered for a while, then answered 'Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Come back and tell me what you have learned.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would.I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that.'
The boy then went to his sister and said, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?' The girl replied, 'Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!'
The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million pounds, realistically we're living with two slappers.'
The father replied, 'That's my boy!'
The father pondered for a while, then answered 'Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Come back and tell me what you have learned.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would.I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that.'
The boy then went to his sister and said, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?' The girl replied, 'Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!'
The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million pounds, realistically we're living with two slappers.'
The father replied, 'That's my boy!'
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Hell's Cat
- Posts: 143
- Joined: 21 Nov 2002, 09:34
- Location: Portobello
- Contact:
I tried to find a non blond joke and I thought i'd found one till I got t o the end 
(no offence to the Irish intended)
A young Irish brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
(no offence to the Irish intended)A young Irish brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
Only after the last tree has been cut down, only after the last river has been poisoned, only after the last fish has been caught, only then will you find, that money cannot be eaten.