The Haggis Story

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:04

This story is true, and is dedicated to Porty.

My old English teacher at school (Heriots) was a man called Jim Caw. He was due for retirement shortly after I left school, and we were to be the last year he would ever teach English to from S1 right through to S5 - that is, the complete old Higher English syllabus.

When I reached S5 (1990 I think) Mr Caw decided that the class were going to have a Burns Supper on the double English lesson closest to Burns Night. One pupil was to do a reading, a girl would sing, someone would bring in the Haggis from the kitchen downstairs and it would be "piped" round the hall by Roderick and Timothy playing their violins.

The newly refurbished Senior Hall was the setting for the event. There are 2 entrances - front and back. The back door leads either to the back door of the school kitchen or outside - the front was the entrance for pupils.

I was picked to go out of the back door at a predetermined time, go into the kitchen, pick up the haggis on its platter and come back in the door, carrying it sedately to its table, whilst Roderick and Timothy played their violins.

Things did not go according to plan.

(end of part 1)

ecm · Post by **ecm** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:07

oh, good, an intermission. time for a quick pee.

Bob Jefferson · Post by **Bob Jefferson** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:08

I feel a Basil Brush-style protestation coming on.

arachnid · Post by **arachnid** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:09

Oh the suspense!!!

Did the Haggis meet an untimely end?

Or did it manage to escape and head for the hills?

Can't wait for the next installment!!!

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:09

(part 2)

The dinner started, and the reading started. Mr Caw gave me the nod and I went down the stairs to find the back door to the kitchen locked shut. I banged on it but to no avail. So I was faced with my first choice :

a) go back up the stairs and re-appear, haggis-less, interrupt the proceedings and ask Mr Caw why he hadn't arranged for the door to be unlocked etc

b) run like the blazes right round the hall, wearing my apron and carrying an empty silver platter and collect the haggis

I chose b)

So I appeared in the school kitchen, flustered, demanding our haggis. By this stage there was no time on my part to enter into a conversation about the locked back door, nor to find anyone to unlock it - especially given that I might have to make the same return journey to come in the back door. You have to understand we were on a tight schedule that day.

So I got the haggis and ran the slightly shorter route to the front door of the Senior Hall, thinking at least I had got the haggis and at least I hadn't wasted too much time - which wasn't really my fault anyway since it was clearly Mr Caw's fault that the back door had been locked.

(end of part 2)

Jackson Priest · Post by **Jackson Priest** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:10

That cliffhanger was positively Neighbours-esque.

Please - do tell more.

Poppy · Post by **Poppy** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:12

What a tease that boy Dada is!!

ecm · Post by **ecm** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:12

I feel another visit to the loo is in order. The suspense is killing me!

teddygirl · Post by **teddygirl** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:13

It's way past my bedtime, I hope he finishes the story tonight

Poppy · Post by **Poppy** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:13

ecm wrote:I feel another visit to the loo is in order. The suspense is killing me!

As Foxy would say - Tena Ladies

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:13

(part 3)

By the time I got back to the Senior Hall, entering through the front door (if I had run right round to the back door it would have taken even longer, the haggis would have been freezing and I would have been on the verge of collapse) I was completely out of puff and beetroot with teenage embarrassment.

Mr Caw was not in the hall. The entire event had stopped and everyone was looking at me.

"Where's Jimmy?" I said. (this was what we referred to him as behind his back)

"He's gone to try and find you" some kind soul said.

So I plonked down the haggis on the table and went out the back door to try and find Mr Caw, who was trying to find me.

(end of part 3)

ecm · Post by **ecm** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:15

Poppy wrote:
ecm wrote:I feel another visit to the loo is in order. The suspense is killing me!
As Foxy would say - Tena Ladies

It may yet come to that, TG. I'm crossing my legs meantime.

teddygirl · Post by **teddygirl** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:15

Mr TG is not amused that I have not gone to bed at the same time as him and am considering this more important than him

ecm · Post by **ecm** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:16

Dadaist wrote:(part 3)

By the time I got back to the Senior Hall, entering through the front door (if I had run right round to the back door it would have taken even longer, the haggis would have been freezing and I would have been on the verge of collapse) I was completely out of puff and beetroot with teenage embarrassment.

Mr Caw was not in the hall. The entire event had stopped and everyone was looking at me.

"Where's Jimmy?" I said. (this was what we referred to him as behind his back)

"He's gone to try and find you" some kind soul said.

So I plonked down the haggis on the table and went out the back door to try and find Mr Caw, who was trying to find me.

(end of part 3)

Argh!

ecm · Post by **ecm** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:17

teddygirl wrote:Mr TG is not amused that I have not gone to bed at the same time as him and am considering this more important than him

Yes, Ali sloped off sometime ago too and will complain when i go through and wake him up to tell this incredible tale.

Bob Jefferson · Post by **Bob Jefferson** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:18

this is the best I could find

ecm · Post by **ecm** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:19

Bob Jefferson wrote:this is the best I could find

I can't open it. What does BB say?

teddygirl · Post by **teddygirl** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:20

I can't open it either

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:21

(part 4)

I encountered Mr Caw at the bottom of the stairs, at the locked kitchen door. We exchanged words, and both came back up the stairs. We had to cancel the singing (and Adrienne had a wonderful voice) but Mr Caw decided that the Haggis should still be piped in.

So, with sweat pouring down my red cheeks and a glaring, hungry assembled mob of my peers, I had to walk to the table, pick up the haggis and walk round the room with it, trying to time myself so that Roderick and Timothy's scraping violins were roughly in time with the original time it would have taken to walk with the damn thing from the back door as originally intended.

Then Justin (who is now the editor of the Collins dictionary) did the stabbing thing etc and we sat down to eat. I had my deserved place at the perfomers' table - so shared my meal with an angry but silent Mr Caw, a girl who didn't get to sing her song, and a couple of very confused violinists, and a later-to-be-dictionary-editor with a sardonic sense of humour.

Although I tried to explain to pretty much everybody how it wasn't my fault really, the incident was pretty much condensed into "when you came in the wrong door".

Goodnight.

ecm · Post by **ecm** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:21

teddygirl wrote:I can't open it either

Another dose of suspense then. My bladder cannae take it!!

arachnid · Post by **arachnid** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:25

ecm wrote:
teddygirl wrote:Mr TG is not amused that I have not gone to bed at the same time as him and am considering this more important than him
Yes, Ali sloped off sometime ago too and will complain when i go through and wake him up to tell this incredible tale.

Mr A went to bed around nine, so I will creep in quietly, determined not to wake him!! They look so sweet( maybe not!!) when they're sleeping!!!

Poppy · Post by **Poppy** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:27

ecm wrote:
teddygirl wrote:I can't open it either
Another dose of suspense then. My bladder cannae take it!!

I had to download a Real update to see it.

teddygirl · Post by **teddygirl** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:28

I will wait untill the morning to relate the story to Mr TG, I think he will be a might grumpy by now and not in the mood for one of my wee tales.
Good stuff Dada

Poppy · Post by **Poppy** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:29

Arachnid simpered [

]

They look so sweet.. when they're sleeping!!!

Yes, but why do they have to snore - takes away any sweetness!!

ecm · Post by **ecm** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:31

Dadaist wrote:(part 4)

Then Justin (who is now the editor of the Collins dictionary) did the stabbing thing etc and we sat down to eat. I had my deserved place at the perfomers' table - so shared my meal with an angry but silent Mr Caw, a girl who didn't get to sing her song, and a couple of very confused violinists, and a later-to-be-dictionary-editor with a sardonic sense of humour.

Excellent tale, well told. And no accidents to report here.

Poppy · Post by **Poppy** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:31

teddygirl wrote:I will wait untill the morning to relate the story to Mr TG, I think he will be a might grumpy by now and not in the mood for one of my wee tales.

I'm sure you could whisper it to Freddy if you are desperate to share!

Jackson Priest · Post by **Jackson Priest** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:35

Ha ha ha ha! Thank you very much for that tale.

Also: phew - the site seemed to freeze just now (maybe it was just my computer) and I thought I was going to have to wait until morning to read the final chapter.

I'm going to, er, get changed now and go watch The Who.

ecm · Post by **ecm** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:37

Jackson Priest wrote:Ha ha ha ha! Thank you very much for that tale.

Also: phew - the site seemed to freeze just now (maybe it was just my computer) and I thought I was going to have to wait until morning to read the final chapter.

I'm going to, er, get changed now and go watch The Who.

I got kicked out and had to log back in. What timing, huh?
I will watch the Who too but should really be off to bed. Ah, what the heck.

arachnid · Post by **arachnid** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:39

Poppy wrote:Arachnid simpered [ ]
They look so sweet.. when they're sleeping!!!

Yes, but why do they have to snore - takes away any sweetness!!

[/quote

Not only does he snore, but he also has this twitching in his legs which goes on for ages, keeps me awake and drives me crazy!!!

I've tried giving him a good kick but it doesn't make any difference, he just moans and does it all again!!!

Oh, the crosses we women have to bear!!!

arachnid · Post by **arachnid** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:43

Thanks for the bed time story Dadaist.
One of the best ones yet!!!

Poppy · Post by **Poppy** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:47

Poor Mr Caw - he was just trying to illustrate "the best laid plans o' mice an' men gang aft a-gley' !!!

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 11 Nov 2005, 00:51

Arachnid wrote:Thanks for the bed time story Dadaist.
One of the best ones yet!!!

Just wait for the Tape Recorder story from my sixth year. I'm not typing it in now - maybe at the weekend.

It involves :

a bag of chips
rab nesbitt
a court case involving Princess Anne
an organist
a drumkit
janitors
the beach boys
...and being suspended

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 11 Nov 2005, 11:48

Outstanding story and it sort of gives an incling into why you are.

Thanks for the dedication, old boy.

I have heard the tape recorder story and everyone should look forward to it.

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 11 Nov 2005, 11:53

Porty wrote:

Outstanding story and it sort of gives an incling into why you are.

Thanks for the dedication, old boy.

I have heard the tape recorder story and everyone should look forward to it.

...i told you? how many pints had i had?

anyway, most very well and hard fought old chap, and i have to say being beaten by an opponent such as yourself is as, if not more, enjoyable than trying to best you. *bows*

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 11 Nov 2005, 12:06

enough already